Growing Up "Late"

I feel like the concept of identity is a common struggle for people to have within themselves, especially if you are still trying to figure out your place in this world, or if you find your life not exactly what you expected it to be. It’s easy to get caught up in the expectations of others, but people are constantly changing and need to be given room to grow. I think over the years I started to shrink myself more and more, to be who everyone needed me to be. Growing into the person you want, I’ve learned, can be a constant battle. And I think one of my struggles lately is how badly I want change in my life. I want to grow into this person, this version of myself who is happy and confident and fearless. I feel like I have become so stuck in this loop of constant survival that I don’t see anything changing in the moment and I am so hard on myself because of it.

With age I’ve become more indecisive. Asking EVERYONE else what they think is right rather than jumping headfirst into what I want or think is best. I don’t want to condemn the household I grew up in as being unsupportive, but I think I was always encouraged to stay on the safe side of life. The wild decisions I wanted to dive into were met with pushback, and endless questioning. Which, only ultimately led to me doing nothing, and instead I live my life always wishing I did more. I can’t blame anyone but myself for all the things I didn’t do, and all the dreams I haven’t yet chased. But I have to remind myself that it’s not too late to do any of those things, as much as my brain tells myself otherwise. I want to be done limiting myself for others and letting their ideas of me define me. I am done being scared of what I want. I want to take a leap of faith into the unknown and everything my life could be, if I just let myself be myself. I can choose who I want to be.

There have been many versions of myself I’ve envisioned over the years. All these possibilities of what my life could be like, if I could do whatever and be whoever I wanted. And It’s taken me too long to finally question, why am I not already living like that? I watched so many action movies growing up and admired the fierce, independent, badass, women on the screens. I wanted to be like them. So why did I not grow up and become one? Why did I shove myself into a box, where I dream of a grand, beautiful, exciting life, but don’t let myself live one? Why do I make all my experiences dependent on other people? I never let myself fully grow, because I was so focused on what other people needed from me or expected me to do. I feel like when I graduated college, that was the last of me fulfilling other people’s wishes. And since then I’ve had so many fun adventures which better define me, because I was following my heart and whatever I wanted to do.

Recently, I decided to take steps towards getting my motorcycle license. I always thought they were cool, but growing up with my parents talking about how dangerous they are, the thought of me ever riding one was shoved deep, deep down. Until I got to be a passenger, and had a moment where I realized that I wanted to learn. I wanted to do something completely for myself, and push myself out of my comfort zone to prove I could do it. I have been struggling lately, but I’m still learning and I’m still growing. Over the last few months I fell into this fog of taking everything day by day and going through the motions of working everyday and not taking the time to actually enjoy life. Meanwhile, my mind is always spinning with things I feel like I need to do and I am just so tired all the time. Learning to ride a motorcycle was something that helped pull me out of this fog. Was I scared to try? Absolutely! Being shoved in the face with the idea that something is dangerous and scary continuously, it’s going to feel dangerous and scary when you decide to go for it. Keep in mind, the men in my household all had comments about how I was putting myself in an early grave, my mother would not have approved, or that they didn’t understand my desire to ride a motorcycle.

However, my biggest fear with this whole endeavor was the possibility of failing. The idea that I could put myself out there and try something I really wanted to learn how to do, and find out that it wasn’t meant for me. And at first, I did fail. I am such a quitter that if I am not immediately the best at anything, I’ll give up and never do it again. Admitting I don’t know how to do something and trying to learn it has always felt embarrassing to me, when it really shouldn’t. So while I did not pass my MSF course the first time, I swallowed my wounded pride and tried again because I knew this was something I really wanted. And I am very proud to say that I passed my course a month ago, and just last week I passed my written test and officially got my motorcycle license.

While my current everyday life is definitely not what a younger version of myself would have expected for me, I am grateful for that. I still want a lot of the things I envisioned a decade ago, but I’m appreciative of the fact that my future right now is like a blank canvas. What I’ve finally started to embrace is you have to do whatever you want sometimes, even if the people closest to you don’t agree with it. To me, my identity has been a battle between growing into the woman I want to be, and feeling limited by the expectations others have for me. The perfect daughter, the responsible big sister. And while those roles are still important to me, I cannot let those be the only things that define me. I have my own life to live and it’s time I do it. In a moment of inspired action last week, not only did I get my license but I also cut off my hair which I had been growing out for over two years, and drove 439 miles (and back) to visit old friends and get a new tattoo. This is my very long-winded way of telling you to not be scared of the things you want in life, and fight for them so you can be who you want to be, and live the life you want to have.

Thanks for reading :)